


Two Hearts Can't Be Wrong

by KJGooding



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alien Culture, Awkward Flirting, F/F, F/M, Gen, Mild Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Surgery, Trill Culture and Taboo, Trill Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 05:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16989045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJGooding/pseuds/KJGooding
Summary: When Lenara Kahn is injured during trials on the Defiant, the best course of action is to remove her symbiont so she can recover.Jadzia Dax is left feeling... confused, primarily, as she tries to sort through Dax's memories as well as her own for Kahn's temporary human host.(A slight AU on the ending of 'Rejoined.'  A Worm Love Story.)





	Two Hearts Can't Be Wrong

Jadzia's training had prepared her for this.  She knew how to seal the emergency compartment, how to support Lenara's weight until a medical team could be dispatched.  The computer counted down in a controlled voice, encouraging Jadzia to remain calm while the plasma was vented out of the neighboring chamber, and into the vacuum of space.  She heard the door rushing open, the alarms blaring, and the computer patiently narrating each moment of it, while she held Lenara down tightly over her lap.

But her training, however thorough, did not prepare her for Dax's crippling fear.  When she moved, now, it was on her own, pressing her hand to Lenara's abdominal wound, running her fingers softly but urgently through Lenara's hair.  Memories of Torias Dax's shuttle crash ran through her mind, rampant and unbidden, until the piercing sirens and quiet sobs became one and the same. When she reached for Lenara's hand, she felt for her pulse, faint but still present.  She was not prepared for Lenara to speak.

"I don't want to lose you again," Lenara mumbled, her eyes still shut.

Jadzia brought Lenara closer, raising her limp body and leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"I don't either," she said back.  "I won't let it happen."

Lenara faded out of consciousness, and as Jadzia called for the pilot to direct them home, she realized the burn wound was more seriously than she originally thought.  If Lenara's pleural cavity was compromised, Jadzia admitted to herself that she and Kahn might be reuniting in a third combination of hosts.

***

Outside of the operating room, she sat slumped against the wall, resting her head in both hands.  Her view of the floor was blurred by tears, and her thoughts kept darting back to Torias and Nilani.  

It was hours until Julian stepped out of the room to meet her, dressed all in red and a thin, exhausted smile.  Jadzia would have found it frustrating in some circumstances, charming in others...

"They're both stable," he said.  "Resting comfortably."

...genuine, now.

"Both?" she asked.

He helped her to stand, offering one arm and a firm grip.  She wondered how he still had the energy, the stability.

"Both, yes: Lenara and Kahn," he said, tipping his head from one side to the other in illustration.  "Lenara is stable, and Kahn is in stasis."

"It... _what_?" she demanded, still not thinking with perfect clarity.

"It's in stasis, so Lenara can heal.  I was concerned about scarring on the symbiotic nerves if they remained Joined throughout the physical therapy... the nerves might have disintegrated and disconnected on their own, later on, if I hadn't taken care of it myself.  Think of it as... a bit of sleight of hand," Julian concluded, brushing his hand alongside Jadzia's ear, as if halfway through a magic trick.

He paused when she glared at him, and then lowered his hand when she sighed.

"This is extremely serious," she said slowly.  "You shouldn't have removed the symbiont, that goes against about twenty different protocols, especially since you aren't a--"

"Since when have _you_ been bothered about protocol?  I saved her life."

" _Julian_.  You can't put Kahn in stasis if Lenara is still alive!  It's missing out on critical memories and experiences, and a forced removal puts her at risk of dying anyway, you know that!"

"Only of hemorrhaging," Julian corrected.  "I was prepared for that; she's stable."

"I can't _believe_ that you just-- of all the smug, idealistic--"

"You're talking about the symbiont like it's worth more than your own life, or at least more than Lenara's," Julian said, calmly.  "Is that really what you believe? I'm sorry, would you have preferred I let Lenara die, and then harvested the symbiont for someone else?"

Jadzia's mouth fell open, while she narrowed her eyes at him.

"No, of course not.  But it... it _is_ worth more than either of our lives are.  Lenara is Kahn's _Fourt_ host; she would want it preserved in case something happened to her."

"Oh, something _did_ ," Julian replied, "and I took care of it."

She thought again of Torias crashing, of how Nilani must have mourned him while his memories were forced into stasis, out of her reach for the rest of her lifetimes.

"I'm sorry," Jadzia said, in a broken voice.  "I thought I lost her, and I was... I didn't _want_ to, but I was ready to find Kahn in a new host.  Someone who... I mean, it would probably be someone else who wouldn't make this so hard on Dax."

"What about on _you_?" he emphasized, softly touching her shoulder.

Her jaw was tightly clenched, so that when she shook her head, it barely turned at all.

"Doesn't matter," she managed to say, through gritted teeth.

Julian tightened his grip on her shoulder, and waited until she was looking at him directly, forcing herself to stand up straight.

"If it means that much to you," he began, "I won't keep Kahn in stasis any longer than absolutely necessary.  I'm sorry for my, er, cultural insensitivity. I... wasn't thinking."

"No, you were.  Does Lenara know?"

"She's still under anesthesia.  I can run most of the regenerative cycles while she's asleep.  I was just, um, excited to tell you."

Jadzia was not sure what to do with that, so she let him squeeze her shoulder, and she looked directly into his eyes until he became uncomfortable and retreated.  Taking a step backward, dusting his hand off at his side, he made another attempt at explaining himself.

"Let me put in a call to Trill, and I'll see how quickly I get Kahn recuperated enough to Join."

"To Rejoin," Jadzia offered, weakly.

"I suppose so, yes.  But you know all about that, already."

***

Jadzia went to Ops only as a last attempt to try and clear her mind.  Lenara was sleeping and not taking visitors, and Julian, meanwhile, was taking an exhausting round of communications through Trill and Federation channels.  He assured her he would do everything he could not to break custom, and to rehabilitate Kahn quickly; the hope was to speak to an expert in Trill microsurgery, someone who could advise him since his first instinct had not been correct.

As she calmed, she was able to reason with herself regarding Julian's approach.  It was unfair to expect him to know anything so detailed about symbiosis practices - she had only explained the taboo of Reassociation to him the previous night, for example - and he had saved an entire collection of lives in a single procedure.  She wondered when she had start becoming so concerned, herself, with conventional behavior, and then the thought chased her into the turbolift and caught up to her in the corridor: she did not want to disappoint Lenara.

"I'm on my way," she said, fumbling to touch her comm-badge in time.

A nurse had paged her, informing her of a new development in the Infirmary.  Not a word was spoken about Lenara, but Jadzia's mind had nowhere else to go.  She was not prepared to spend another night slouched against the wall, staring at her hands and trying to figure out what she was missing, what she needed to do to win Lenara back.  It would have been so much simpler if another host was dispatched, one who was not so charming and intelligent and stuck on the same memories. One who was, Jadzia admitted with an annoyed shake of her head, either completely committed to ending their Reassociation, or one who would fight to commit to it no matter the cost.  That was a lot to ask of a newly-Joined host.

No, there wasn't going to be a new host, Jadzia told herself.

But she was wrong.

The Infirmary doors swished open as she approached them, swiveling her head in search of Julian.  She knew Lenara was behind a partition, out of sight, while Kahn was placed in Julian's office area, under the vigilant watch of a security team.  Julian was not at his desk, and she did not see the stasis chamber during her first glance at the room. As she stepped in to survey the area more closely, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

Upon turning around, she saw a red-haired woman in a lab coat, standing only slightly shorter than Jadzia did, herself.  

"I'm Doctor Beverly Crusher," she said, offering her hand.  "You must be Jadzia."

"I... yes.  Is Doctor Bashir around?"

"I'd like to explain the procedure," Beverly said, stepping in front of Jadzia in her rush toward the patients' recovery area.

"Is she okay?  What happened? Why is Jul--?"

"Let me explain," Beverly said calmly.

Jadzia had to force herself to listen, as Beverly sat her down in the waiting room and talked her through the surgery _she_ had apparently conducted.  Not Julian. _On_ Julian.

"--the best way for me to keep Odan alive and experiencing Joined-consciousness was to place it in a temporary human host.  The Trill pleural cavity is similar enough for the symbiotic nerves to connect, but still different enough for the Joining to be temporary; a week or less is most effective, in my experience--"

"Your experience?" Jadzia mumbled, only partially paying attention.  "Odan is an _ancient_ symbiont; Kahn is much younger, and... does Lenara _know_ you put her symbiont into a _human_?"

From the recovery area, Julian came striding in, looking a bit unsure of his gait and posture, checking behind his shoulder as he walked.  He was not wearing his uniform - it had been replaced by the purple surgery scrubs the Bajorans used - and Jadzia felt her heart surge forward before dropping into her stomach, making her feel queasy.

"Kahn told her myself," Julian said, clearly struggling to connect his intentions to actual speech.

"Oh no," Jadzia said back.

"We thought that would be best," Julian went on.

"How could you _possibly_ have thought that."

"Beverly and I," Julian said, drawing a line between them with his hand.  "And Lenara and Kahn, as well. She's already told--"

"But I thought you were calling Trill," Jadzia countered, worried to bring Lenara's feelings into the mix.

"I did," he said.  "Their best estimate was two weeks!  Two weeks to find a decent match for me, and to get them ready for _permanent_ Joining.  Can you believe that?  And physical therapy will take ten, twelve days at most; she doesn't need Kahn Joining with someone else _permanently_."

"So Julian called me," Beverly tried to help fortify his explanation.  "Otherwise we would be back where we started, with Lenara suffering from symbiotic withdrawals instead of a plasma burn.  I took a two-week reassignment from the _Enterprise,_  to keep an eye on things here while Julian looks after your... wife's symbiont."

"Oh, we weren't actually mar--" Jadzia began, but Beverly interrupted with a dismissive wave of one hand.

"Julian explained.  And let me assure you, I know _exactly_ how you're feeling."

Jadzia swallowed, then nodded her head, just once.

"I'd like to talk to her.  Can I?"

"Of course!  I think you should," Julian said.

"Alone...?"

"Oh, of course, yes," Julian said, with less conviction.  "Let me walk with you, just over here."

As his voice trailed off, he began taking slow steps forward, moving out of the waiting room and nearer to the recovery suites.  They passed machines and various equipment which he paused to inspect, before shaking his head and continuing onward. It was not a long walk, by any means, but Kahn's outwardly-expressed curiosity extended it, and Jadzia could not help but find it charming.  Whether this was because - or in spite - of its residing within Julian, she could not yet tell. But when they arrived outside of Lenara's sealed partition, he was perfectly content to be nudged toward the disused Elysian anti-gravity machine, studying it and remarking about how this felt 'just like old times.'

Jadzia could not stifle a smile, at that, and set her handprint on the security scanner with a strange sense of nostalgia tugging her heart back up and into place.  The feeling of dizziness subsided, only to be replaced more strongly when the doors parted to reveal Lenara, sitting against the support on her biobed, reading the monitor attached to her own wrist.  

"Jadzia," she said softly.

Full of purpose, Jadzia stepped into the room and took Lenara's hand between her own, ignoring the muffled beep of the wrist-monitor.

"I'm sorry," Jadzia said.  "I... I could have done more, I could have stopped him from--"

"Moving Kahn?" Lenara asked, her voice trembling even more.

"Shh, don't worry about that right now.  I'm here, and I'm just glad you're alive."

Weakly, Lenara nodded, and let her hand fall from Jadzia's grip.  She took a quick glance at her monitor before turning it over, hiding the screen against the fabric of her surgical scrubs, shoving her hand upward until they wrinkled.

"I said he could," she admitted.

Jadzia situated herself carefully on the corner of the bed, watching Lenara move her hand without reaching for it.

"You can't be upset with yourself about that.  You weren't thinking clearly, there's no way."

"Maybe not," Lenara said, shrugging.  "But he was right; he saved my life. That's... what we wanted, isn't it?  We didn't want to lose each other again, like that.  You and me."

Jadzia was quiet.  Slowly, she slid one arm to rest around Lenara's, squeezing her shoulder and pulling her in close.  It was like they were on the _Defiant_ all over again, as if she could move her hand across to Lenara's chest and find burn wounds, a faint heartbeat, masked even by Kahn's frantic movement.  None of that was there anymore - aside from Lenara's heartbeat, of course - but it was strong and steady, this time. She felt the urge to touch Julian's chest in the same way, to compare, to... the thought saddened her, because Lenara was able to sense it, somehow.

"But I _was_ thinking about it," she added.  "I thought maybe you and Kahn could have another chance to spend some time together.  I know it's only temporary, and I don't see the Commission getting involved in such extenuating circumstances, especially since Doctor Bashir already contacted them, and they only-- they only offered to send a permanent host.  I'm... sorry, I had the worst nightmares under the anesthesia."

"About Torias?  No, I thought about that too."

If Jadzia moved, ever so subtly, she was able to slide her hand between Lenara's back and the cushion she was resting against.  She made small, slow circles with her palm, hoping to provide reassurance. When Lenara did not acknowledge this, not even with a turn of her head, Jadzia added gentle pressure from her nails.

Lenara sighed.

"I don't want to be the reason they can't be together," she admitted, quiet and scared.

Jadzia wanted to reply, feeling that same strange tug on her heart.  But the words did not come in time. As she inhaled, she was interrupted by the swish of the partition opening; Julian joined them, and Jadzia struggled to get up from the biobed.

He held up one hand, signalling her to stay where she was.

"No, I don't mean to interrupt.  Doctor B--" he rolled his eyes slowly as he thought.  "I need to check her vitals every ten minutes."

"I thought Doctor Crusher was here so you could t--" Jadzia started to say.

"This is easy; I enjoy it," he said, moving to the other side of the bed and crouching at Lenara's side.

Obediently, she held out her wrist, allowing Julian to read the symbols displayed on her monitor.  From the tricorder he wore on his side, he removed the portable scanner, and held it over his chest.

"Hmm," he said, smiling to himself.  "Good, very good. I'll have Beverly look at that one."

"I can," Jadzia offered, leaning over Lenara to reach for his revolving scanner.  "You're looking for symbiosis, aren't you?"

"That's all it's called, hmm?" he went on, still grinning.  "Yes. It feels nice; I'm sure it's... occurring. Very nice."

Finally, Lenara turned to look back at her, acknowledging Julian's behavior with a smile of her own - labored, but there, nonetheless.

"It is, isn't it," she said, still facing Jadzia.  

***

For the first time in Jadzia’s memory - and certainly for the first time in Julian Kahn’s - he was _quiet_ upon entering the Infirmary.

He admitted, _quietly_ , that he was not confident in running many tests, beyond the initial regenerative sessions Lenara needed.  Beverly was still there, chatting amongst the Bajoran nurses and orderlies, getting to know them better, when Julian stepped inside and promptly hesitated.

“I remember the dermal regeneration process,” he said.  “Is Lenara still in the Critical wing?”

Beverly shook her head - Julian was looking at the floor and did not see this - and then explained that she had been moved to an area that allowed for increased mobility, and the presence of visitors.  Jadzia swore that Beverly winked as she said this, and she only smiled in return, hoping it would be sufficient.

“But this is…” he took a sanitized tool from the chest on the wall, “a tissue regenerator for… yes, the pleural tissue, and the symbiotic nerve-stems.  Thank you, Kahn, for that one. You know what you like, hmm?"

Having adjusted the settings on the regenerator, he continued onward to the patients' resting area, where Lenara was settled into one of the recovery rooms, situated in a row along the far end of the Infirmary.  This time, she was surrounded by minimal equipment, only enough to monitor her vitals and alert one of the nurses if something was wrong. When Julian and Jadzia stepped into her room, she waved at them meekly, barely uncurling her fingers to complete the gesture.

"How are you feeling?" Julian asked.

"Fine.  How are you?"

"Very good, thank you.  Now, if you'll try to sit up... there..."

He helped her to rest against the inclined cushion at the back of her biobed, before leaning in to adjust it to a higher angle, using a control panel installed underneath.  Sounding pained, she sighed, and when Julian asked if he had rushed her in straightening her posture, she touched the center of her chest and shook her head.

"I haven't used these muscles in a few years, I'm fine."

"You mean since the last time you didn't have a symbiont?" Julian confirmed, waiting for Lenara to nod.  "Right, I see. Well, that's what we're here for. That and the plasma burn. It's healing, isn't it?"

Lenara tugged at the collar of her scrubs, exposing the upper tip of the burn in question, purple and puckering around its edges, like thread pulled too tightly into a seam.

"Doctor Crusher gave me a steroid for it.  I don't remember the name."

"Hmm," said Julian, not about to make a guess.  "Let's get this situated, anyway."

Jadzia did not know how to make herself useful, until the regenerator began whirring and Julian had to try multiple times to dip it beneath Lenara's open collar, so it could heal the damaged skin underneath.

"Do you need some help with that, Julian?"

He was barely looking enough to aim - not that extra regenerative sessions would bring any harm to the healthy skin - but it would waste Lenara's limited time without Kahn in the way of the healing process.  Gratefully, Julian nodded and passed her the instrument, sitting in the collapsible seat that extended from the wall in the recovery room, watching without interfering.

"Kahn had, uhh--" he began, not letting the silence become uncomfortable, giving this task to his words instead, "--four hosts, this is four-and-a-half, I would say, and it's never practiced medicine.  Or even studied it... Minem was a caretaker at the pools, _years_ before they enforced formal qualifications... Nilani taught children... Lystra was a strain engineer, but only with local grain yields..."

"I'm sorry," Jadzia said, in a teasing tone, "are you using Kahn to tell us how great Julian is?"

"Hmm?  No. Lenara was the first chance it had to-- to study, and to leave Trill and make a difference, to make a name for our race.  It values her dearly, and it _is_ looking forward to moving back."

"Is it?" Lenara asked.

As Jadzia held the regenerator, feeling it pulse and tremble between Lenara's skin and her own, Lenara did not move her gaze.  She remained focused on Jadzia, and Jadzia alone, with her lips parted into the beginning of an unspoken question, and her breathing sparse and quiet.

"I can't give it what it wants," she said.  "It never cared about leaving its name in historical accounts."

"It wa--"

"It wants to be with me," Jadzia interrupted, at the same time.

"Since it met Dax in the pools," Julian supplied.  "Do you remember that, Jadzia?"

She could not break her gaze from Lenara's, nor could she recall the instance Julian was mentioning.  Maybe if she looked away, or if she shut her eyes for a brief moment... no, she could not; the memory was not there, but Lenara was, and Lenara needed her.

Jadzia shook her head.

"No, I don't."

"Maybe they took that memory away from you, too," Julian continued.  "I always thought Minem preferred Dax, but it wasn't ready for joining at the same time she was.  So she and Kahn looked after it until it was. It just needed another week. They didn't know each other very long at all - the two symbionts - but Minem, she... shared that respect, that interest, that tenderness... with Kahn.  The first thing it learned, right after it Joined, was how - _specifically_ \- to look after Dax."

Then it went quiet, as the two women gazed at one another.  Lenara did not need to speak for Jadzia to understand her, and the heartbreak she was feeling.  Eventually, even the regenerator completed its cycle, and Jadzia switched it off and held it at her side.  Without its humming to obscure the silence, Julian cleared his throat and spoke again.

"No, Lenara, you _can_ do that.  If you and Kahn aren't concerned about reputation, you can do all of that.  You can be together."

"I'm scared," she forced out a whisper.  "Now more than ever."

Finally, Jadzia was able to break away, only to glance at Julian with the same intensity.  Lenara's eyes followed, and she inhaled sharply.

"But you want to," Jadzia said, still looking at Julian.

More specifically, she was looking at his chest, where Kahn was no doubt nervously curling its tail, making itself shrink away from the situation.  Jadzia had felt that exact response from it, only days ago, with Kahn pressed closely against Dax. It wanted, and then it feared. Maybe it could have done with another week before its initial joining, too.

"I _do_ ," Julian replied, "you have no idea."

Lenara implored both of them with a single breath, and a single ' _please_.'

"Jadzia," Julian said, clearing his throat and chasing away the uncharacteristic silence, making it into politeness instead: "M-may I kiss you?"

"Here?"

She looked to Lenara for any sign of discomfort, but none was forthcoming.

"Yeah," Jadzia nodded slowly, then with more vigor.  "Yeah, you can."

It was slow and chaste, with Julian cupping Jadzia's face lovingly between both hands.  And it was respectful, interested, and tender; it was Kahn connecting to Dax.

Jadzia felt this, as their chests touched.  She had long since lost the nervous tingling sensation that rose from her stomach to accompany a first kiss, but Dax did a fair job of recreating it.  When it stretched, testing the furthest limits of its internal tether, Jadzia could feel Kahn meeting it, nuzzling it as best it could through the barriers.  Several nights ago - when she and Lenara kissed - the feeling had been one of hesitation, instead.

As they broke apart, Jadzia sighed contently, while Julian was stuck smiling to himself, not saying a word.

Lenara was fixed on a point between these two reactions, nodding and quietly expressing her fondness.

"That's... exactly what I want Kahn to teach me," she said.  

Julian remained quiet, clasping his hands together in front of himself to relieve the tension, while Jadzia's instinct was to settle her own behind her back.  

"I see what you mean," Jadzia said, sharing a coy expression with both of them.

"Would you, er, care to join us for dinner tomorrow, Lenara?  A-after your session here, of course, and only if you're feeling up to it..." Julian said.

"As your chaperone?" Lenara asked.  To dull Julian's surprise, she added, "I'm teasing.  That sounds nice, I'll try my best."

***

Lenara declined the invitation the following night, mentioning that she was still tired from the more intensive regeneration session.  After that, she had physical therapy, where she re-learned how to move her arms and turn her upper body without the obstruction of her symbiont, allowing the damaged tissue to strengthen and heal.  

Jadzia had taken to holding the regenerator in place, while she and Julian took turns lifting Lenara's arms and helping her bend them, one at a time.  The session was quiet, with their nerves outweighing any possible conversation. Most of the communication, in fact, was conducted solely between the two symbionts.  

Whenever Julian brushed against Jadzia, she would hear him stifling laughter, and she would turn to see him gesturing at Kahn as if to clear himself of blame.

"Is it usually this talkative, Lenara?" he asked, leaning in to take over the task of lifting her arm.

"I think you know the answer to that," Jadzia said, still standing between them, feeling Julian's shoulder against her back as he reached over Lenara.

"Only with Dax?" he confirmed.

Lenara nodded, and focused her eyes on her fingers, curling them and giving a quiet, pained sigh as her arm was curved upward, toward the newly-hollowed point of her chest.

"Promise you'll give it a chance to talk over dinner?" Lenara offered.

"You're a better wingman than I am," Julian said, sounding surprised.

Interceding, Jadzia explained the human term, and Lenara sighed, saying 'I hope not' and urging the others off to dinner.  Jadzia was hesitant to go - not that she minded Julian talking to her or touching her, or Dax and Kahn buzzing at one another whenever he did so... even their kiss had been _fun -_ but she felt some degree of guilt at leaving Lenara behind.  Julian offered his arm to escort her out, blushing and burying his face in his shoulder when she took it, and they made their way out of the recovery room.

Beverly stopped them beside the exit, only for a moment.

"It's difficult when you know the host _and_ the symbiont already," she said, "but it's worth it."

Jadzia laughed once at that, and dropped Julian's arm.  She was having a challenging enough time differentiating her feelings for Julian - and for Lenara - with Dax's for Kahn, and their past hosts' for one another.  When she did not have her own training or experience to rely on, she took a mental step back and sorted through Dax's collection. And when Dax decided it wanted to ignore specific rules, it would call, subconsciously, upon its host to make accommodations; Jadzia accepted this responsibility with enthusiasm and pleasure.

It was the reason she sought out an assignment with Sisko after experiencing Curzon's strongest memories of him, and indeed the reason she was drawn to Lenara without the words to express _why_ \- and without concern for the repercussions, either.  The two of them - herself, and Dax - did work together in a symbiotic partnership, although not in the conventional way the Symbiosis Commission would have encouraged, had they known.

By now, Julian was walking along at her side like a wilting flower, his arms sagging as he mumbled about their potential choices for dinner.  Shaking her head, Jadzia offered her arm, then reached out to take Julian's hand to clasp to it, as he was shy about doing so on his own.

"So you're... really feeling like Kahn now, hmm?" she asked him, trying to look at him more like a lover than as a friend.  "Come on, Julian, you can talk to me. You can tell me anything."

"I know that," he said, more gently than usual; it would have sounded conceited, otherwise.  "And I... suppose that's right, yes. But Kahn and I are both at _least_ equally fond of you, you know."

Jadzia pressed her forehead to his temple and whispered against the crest of his shoulder, making him shiver.

"What were you thinking?" she asked, relishing the pause.  "For tonight?"

"Dinner.  Klingon, I'd imagine?  I know the four of us... five of us...?  We'd all like that. Then maybe the holosuites, afterward."

"Oh, really?"

"O-or we could have it as takeaway," he decided.

 _That_ sounded more the Julian she remembered, able to make an advance until the moment she stepped in front of him and accepted, before he could finish his thought.  Her primary objective for the evening was talking to him, getting to understand how he and Kahn were feeling, while she tried to reconcile Dax's memories with her own impulsive feelings.  

"As much as I like a good drinking song--" she began.

"--it might be too loud there," he concluded.  "Yes, you're right. I'll go and place our orders at the counter, just a moment..."

He words meandered off at the same time he did, politely patting Jadzia's arm in a gesture of fondness, then stepping off the Promenade's main trail and onto the path that led to the Klingon kiosk.  Jadzia made her way to the holosuites, passing Quark and requesting one of her own programs. He started it for her while she paid; even the clinking of his dish as it was filled with slips of latinum was not enough to keep him from asking...

"And Doctor Bashir will be joining you, won't he?"

"He's Doctor _Kahn_ , until Friday," she deflected, smiling in a way that Quark usually found sufficiently distracting.

"That's _right_ ," Quark drawled.  "I ought to charge you for double occupancy."

Jadzia was able to buy his silence with another slip of latinum, and went off to order the finishing touches from the privacy of the suite.

This particular program was one of her favorites - a mythical cave from Klingon lore - where she worked out her mind through meditation, or her body through bat'leth simulations.  This time, she called out for the computer to add a targ-fur rug, a blazing campfire surrounded by stones, and two heavy goblets. Then, tapping her communicator, she called to Julian and requested bloodwine.

Beyond that, she did not know what to expect.  Of course, she and Julian had been to dinner together before, and he maintained a borderline-encyclopedic knowledge of her favorite foods, but she did not know what to expect from Julian, himself.  It was best to keep the place sparsely decorated, she decided. Warm and comfortable, but not overtly romantic. In fact, it would have been laughable in ordinary circumstances - Julian's advances always were, in their own charming, trying-too-hard-to-look-relaxed way - but Dax still felt a magnetic pull to Kahn, no matter who was carrying either one of them.

So, when Julian joined her, she filled her metal goblet immediately with wine, and sipped from it while he sorted through the boxes the Klingon chef had packed for them.  Otherwise, he seemed shy and reserved, only remarking that Jadzia had selected a 'nice... tasteful' program, and that her spots were fascinating to look at against the firelight.  If he had not been joined, she would have heard this as a terrible attempt at cross-cultural flirting.

But, because Kahn was watching over them, and because Dax eagerly suggested it, she reached to unzip the gray shirt she wore beneath her jumpsuit, allowing him to follow the spots only a few more centimeters down her neck before the fabric stopped him again.  There was no need to go further.

"Come on, talk to me," she urged him, her voice still patient.

He set aside the sealed tube of gagh he was handling, opting for a tamer first course, instead.

"It's difficult," he said, after a bite of techk, a gel-encased fish.  "Both of us - can I say it like that? Is that taboo? - both of us _like_ you, and like being around you, but Kahn has a harder time expressing it than I do."

"You can be heavy-handed sometimes, yourself," she teased, reaching over to his plate and tearing off the edge of the techk with her fingers.  She slurped the gel casing off first, while Julian gaped at her.

"I learned that from you," he replied, just vaguely enough for her to consider all of the possible permutations.  "Watch."

They were reclining on the rug as they ate their meal, and he brought his weight forward on one arm, looking at her with a soft expression.  She was not surprised when he kissed her, only when he continued past the point of the techk on her tongue going bitter. When he backed away again, she reached for her bloodwine, while he apologized.

"I don't mind," she said.  "Why don't you sit closer?"

He shuffled inward, toward the center of the rug, and he asked, quietly, if he could sit behind her.

"And, um, and just... wrap my arms around your waist o-or massage your shoulders, or--"

"I'd like that," Jadzia decided, finding this whole matter more difficult when they were looking directly at one another.

Plus, when he pressed his chest to her back, she could feel the soft, contended rumbling of Kahn as it tugged at its temporary anchor, rustling within the comparatively thin human cavity.

"I think I know why Lenara suggested this," Jadzia began, after a while.  

Julian's head was resting on her shoulder, and she offered him the occasional sip from her glass, bringing it to his lips and tipping it backward enough for him to drink from.  Each time, he cupped his hand protectively and appreciatively around hers.

"Hmm?"

As she found inspiration in the fire, Julian traced the spots on her temple with the bridge of his nose, before tipping backward and meeting the spots on her neck with his lips, humming all the while.

"What you said, the other day, about Kahn taking care of me."

She had a much easier time grouping her pronouns than Julian did - understandably so - but then she lost her thought to a giggle, as Julian breathed warmly against her neck, creeping beneath her shirt collar.  Dax was buzzing inside her chest, creating a sensation that was simultaneously numbing - on the surface - and invigorating - within her mind.

"Do you feel like you're... maybe a little tipsy, right now?"

Julian shook his head - still close against her shoulder, before backing away and answering properly.

"No, do you?  I'll stop, I didn't mean to--"

"No, I don't either."

"...Dax?"

"Yeah," she said lightly, "that's what it feels like."

"It's nice."

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to take a look?" he offered.  "With my tricorder, I mean. I... don't know exactly what I'd be looking _for_ , but--"

"No, I kinda like it."

He hummed against her shoulder, kissing the outline his breath made on the fabric, and then he tightened his hold around her waist.  For a long while, they were quiet, sitting and rocking slowly from side to side, reaching out to snag another bite of their dinner every so often.  Jadzia decided against opening the gagh, enjoying the stillness of the moment.

Julian seemed to be thinking along the same line, as he kissed her cheek and then addressed the computer in a whisper.

"A Trill pool, please," he said.

To Jadzia's surprise, the computer did not ask for further specifications, although the result it produced was not entirely authentic.  Perhaps it had only one point of reference - most likely her own.

A narrow, oval-shaped pool appeared in the ground beside their fire-ring, and she and Julian proceeded toward it without the need for further conversation.  Even though it had been her original goal, she realized she wanted to use him to speak to Lenara's impressions of herself and their relationship, to Kahn's memories of Torias Dax... and that was not fair to Julian, _her_ own close friend.

Amidst bashful sighs and downcast glances, they stepped out of their uniforms and directly into the pool, where the liquid was thicker than water, blurring their movements from above.

It was so much easier, now, not to speak.  Dax and Kahn commandeered the communication, their vibrations amplified by the viscous water.  Free of this burden, Jadzia and Julian sat beside one another in the shallow edge of the pool, staring down into the water as it glowed and trembled.  Jadzia could not describe it, nor could she comprehend the precise notions being communicated to her symbiont. She did not even try until over an hour later, when Julian helped her out of the pool, called for a soft, oversized towel from the computer, and patted her dry.

"She isn't going to stay, is she?" Jadzia asked, in an uncharacteristically timid voice.

Carefully, Julian turned her around, leaning in close and touching his forehead to hers.  This time, she was the one to initiate the kiss, using it to prolong the quiet, to enjoy Dax and Kahn's closeness as Julian held her in his arms.  He brushed his nose against hers before breaking the bad news.

"I don't think so, no..."

Jadzia nodded, sniffled, nestled herself in closer.

"But I am," Julian said.  " _I am_.  I'm staying."

She knew that was what Lenara wanted, what Lenara desperately hoped would be communicated to Kahn.  But a few days was not enough, even if they had been fun and unique and unconventional.

"Jadzia," Julian said gently, "Kahn doesn't want to put you in danger; it wants to care for you.  So do I, and _I'll stay_."

"I know."

For a moment, he pulled back, twisting his lips inward as he tried to read the expression on her face.

"That doesn't help, does it?" he asked.  "Maybe she'll write, or try to visit and--"

"No, it does help, and I'm glad you did it."

***

The following morning, she expressed the same sentiment to Lenara.  

Beverly allowed her to come into the operating room, offering her a set of red surgical scrubs and plenty of time to say her goodbyes.  Not only to Kahn, but to the particular way it affected Julian, and to Lenara Otner, unjoined and alone and profoundly sad.

As Lenara tried to settle down on her stretcher, sterile and free of pillows and blankets, Jadzia stood beside her, tightly holding her hand.  Julian would be admitted shortly after Lenara was unconscious, so Beverly could verify Kahn would have everything it needed in order to Join with her.

"Did you get to talk?" Lenara asked, biting back a whimper.

Solemnly, Jadzia nodded, rendering her thin smile worthless when tears began to form in the corners of her eyes.

"We did," she said.  "It was... indescribable, but we did.  I _know_ you're afraid to stay here; that's okay."

Lenara did not look convinced.  

"But I want to," she insisted.  "I don't want to lose you again."

"We'll stay in touch.  Wait until you have Kahn back, you'll see.  I'll be right here the whole time, I promise."

Just like Torias promised he would be _safe_ that day, Jadzia thought, just like he promised he would return home and raise a family with Nilani by his side.  At least Lenara's memories of this would not be as strong without Kahn present; Jadzia took solace in that.

"I'll miss you," Lenara remarked, leaning forward and reaching for the line of tied ribbons that ran down the front of her smock.

Jadzia gently redirected Lenara's hands, and unfastened the ties herself, baring Lenara's abdomen for the procedure.

"You'll have Kahn," Jadzia assured, squeezing Lenara's hand.

From across the small room, Beverly nodded at her, and called for the computer to dim the surrounding lights, leaving the operating area in sharp contrast.  Lenara seemed so pale beneath the focused spotlight, shrouded in only a thin white smock over the sterile bed.

Just as she promised, Jadzia remained there for the entire course of the surgery.  Partway through, Julian came in and tickled at Kahn through his own surgical smock, focusing intently on calibrating his tricorder to take Kahn's readings.  He smiled at Jadzia, inspected Lenara's incision and complimented Beverly's technique, and then sat in the opposing cot until it was his turn to administer his own anesthetic.

Jadzia scooted her chair in between the headboards, glancing back and forth and following Beverly's progress.  Finally, Kahn was safely plucked from its place inside Julian, and Jadzia watched as Beverly cradled it in gloved hands, and positioned it over Lenara.  She felt an immense fondness, and a thudding sensation against her own chest, as Dax saw its lover, up close and vulnerable.

She had to let go of Lenara's hand, bringing it to her own chest to assess the situation; she refused to draw Beverly's attention at this critical juncture, and she knew the feeling of panic would pass.  As she bargained with herself - or as Dax and Jadzia pleaded with one another in subconscious circles - Beverly set Kahn down into place, reaching for her autosuture and beginning to rejoin the affected nerves.

"Lenara's pleural cavity is perfectly healed," Beverly narrated her progress, words mildly obscured by her face-mask.  "And Kahn seems to be taking the nerve-endings, so far. Julian was a good host, a _very_ good host."

"He was..." Jadzia forced herself to say, over the sudden resurgence of the thudding in her chest.  "I owe him one..."

"Are you alright?" Beverly asked, without even glancing over her shoulder.

Jadzia said 'yes' without thinking.

"I know exactly how you're feeling," Beverly repeated the mantra she had given many times that week.  "And Odan didn't stay with me, she couldn't. Don't get me wrong, I wanted her to, but when you really think about it... we didn't know each other long enough to make those kinds of compromises. 

"She and I were married," Jadzia said, intentionally blending the pronouns of the symbionts' past hosts; this was the easiest way to convey the bond to other humanoids, in her experience.

"But not long enough?" Beverly asked, with a kind undertone to her voice.  

"No.  I ruined it.  I... my host... died in a shuttle accident."

Jadzia could see Beverly nodding, bobbing her head just slightly while she continued attaching Kahn to Lenara's symbiotic nerves.

"I know how that feels, too.  Kahn must've thought she failed you, she must've blamed herself..."

"She did, she still does.  And I thought... just--" Jadzia interrupted herself with a sigh, "--if she stayed, maybe she would realize, last time, it was my fault.  I don't think she'll see that if she keeps running away from me."

Jadzia dobbed her eyes against her sleeve, then returned to holding Lenara's hand, hoping her renewed enthusiasm was enough to make up for the lapse.  She carefully massaged between Lenara's fingers, stroking them and shaping them within her own.

"She's not afraid of _you_ , Dax," Beverly said, politely.  "She's afraid of how much she cares about you; she remembers how much it hurt, last time."

"And she wants to protect me," Jadzia concluded.

"Exactly."

At this point, Beverly turned and stepped away, allowing the automated suture to close the incision.  She dusted her hands before glancing at Julian, and adjusting the level of anesthetic being administered by his face mask.  Both he and Lenara stirred and awoke slowly, one slightly before the other, to Jadzia leaning over them and fussing with their smocks.

Julian - his incision already closed - awoke first.

His eyes were dewy when they opened to meet Jadzia's.  Then they widened, and he borrowed Jadzia's arm to pull himself upward, so he could watch Lenara wake up.  He seemed to return to his own personality right away, as he stretched for Lenara's bedside, straining to read the monitors that displayed her vitals.  Quietly and professionally, he asked Beverly if there were any complications, and then he used a scanner to observe Kahn inside its home cavity.

Jadzia stood behind him, slightly to one side, draping an arm over her shoulders.  Before Lenara spoke, she reached up to touch Jadzia's chin, tugging down the red fabric that covered Jadzia's lips.

"Are you alright?" Jadzia asked her.

With newfound confidence, Lenara drew Jadzia close, and kissed her.

"Is that a 'yes?'" Jadzia asked, coyly, when they broke apart.

"I'll write every day," Lenara said.  "I'll make sure the Commission doesn't touch you."

Jadzia shrugged.

"I don't think they like Dax much anyway.  You know, in case you change your mind."

"I'd like to, someday," Lenara said.

Pleasantly surprised, Jadzia could not stop herself from laughing.

"Really?" she asked.

"I don't see why not.  But... not just yet," Lenara decided, softening her voice.  "Besides, the chase can be part of the fun."

"Is _that_ all you learned from him?" Jadzia teased, feeling more relief with each passing moment.

Caught out, Julian wrung his hands and stepped out of the room, leaving Jadzia to nestle into bed beside Lenara for the rest of the day, the last they could have together.


End file.
